Trust

My word for 2017 has been TRUST. For those that don't know, each year a word chooses me and that is the word I focus on. Obviously with my background, trust does not come easily to me. Whether it is trusting the Lord, trusting myself or trusting others it is a huge challenge. But I have learned so much this year!

I have been really digging in deep to learn to trust again and to heal. In June, I started attending Codependents Anonymous. It's a powerful 12 step program. It's helped me a lot especially working the steps. For those who are interested, www.coda.org is their website. I can't say enough good things about this program. I really feel like I have gained more in CoDA than I did with 5 years of counseling. I have also been doing energy work and especially working on healing inner child issues. I also started EMDR therapy this month. It's been a lot of work but I am finally realizing I am worth it.

For a long time, a very long time, I felt like I was in the middle of a landfill looking at all I needed to heal from. I still have days like that. But I have learned to embrace every emotion I have like a wave. By embracing it and not fighting against it I am able to calmly ride the wave out rather than being sucked under. Like waves all of our emotions are temporary. They are emotions and nothing more.  Have you ever felt overwhelmed with life or life's challenges? I'm sure you have because you are human.

My greatest prayer and purpose for the blog is to give you hope! I know what it's like to be sucked under the water and feel like you are gasping for air. I know what it's like to feel completely hopeless and even suicidal. I know what it's like to feel all alone. Please know you are never alone. You have a Heavenly Father that loves you perfectly and a Savior that gave His life for you. You are loved today, as is. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. It took me YEARS to really internalize that truth.

Back to the topic of TRUST and what I have learned. I have learned that trust doesn't mean that things always turn out the way you want or how you planned. Even if it's a righteous desire, it doesn't mean that everything will work out because others have the gift of agency. So what does it mean to me? It means that I have the absolute assurance that I will feel peace no matter how hard those waves crash. It means that eventually things do work out in the end and for our highest good if not in this life then on the other side. It means that God is good at being God and I don't have to look to others to be my higher power.

What does trust in myself look like? I am learning that for me it is embracing ALL of me and knowing no matter what, I will be okay. It means knowing I am capable of making good choices. (After you leave an abusive relationship like the one with my ex fiance, it is really hard to know and believe that.) It means that I can follow my heart and my intuition. It also means to me that it's okay to make mistakes. I will make mistakes, many of them. It's part of the human experience to make mistakes although I don't actively seek them out. It also means that I actively believe that I am enough even in my imperfections. It means that I don't have to be perfect to be loved. (It took me YEARS to believe that)

Trust in others ties in with trust in the Lord and trust in myself. I read once in a book by Stephen R Covey that you can afford to be vulnerable when your foundation is invulnerable. (I am paraphrasing) That has really stood out to me. I follow and trust my heart and intuition to tell me who is worthy of my trust and who is not. As tough as it can be to be vulnerable and trust, the alternative is worse to me. I can't and refuse to live a life where I trust no one. That's not why we were placed on earth.

For 2018, my word will be surrender. The word really does choose me. (Honestly why would I choose trust or surrender. 😆) I wouldn't give up the experiences I have had this year for anything though. Even if I had a car get stolen and moved twice. I have learned so much and the price was high so I am not likely to forget.

This is also one of my favorite songs right now. The words just resonate with me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNqo4Un2uZI&index=1&list=PLISphBnr1q2vhupXM9P4yBRptFIGKV7dB I've also committed to writing on my blog more. I hope I can help others know they are not alone!